Midnight in the ACME lab

Date: 10th May 2020

The latest from SFSA writer Donald Stewart:

IT’S MIDNIGHT IN THE ACME LABS WHERE MR “THE BRAIN” ROBERTSON AWAITS HIS SIDEKICK.

Picture the scene…

Test tubes and draft pieces of paper abound. Terminals flicker as evidence flashes up and is then dismissed by an overactive Brain. He is understandably nervous and overactive… some would even say that overactivity had seeped into his imagination…

Just then the door bangs open and standing there, resplendent in his regalia is the man most refer to as “Pinkie” but not to his face… It refers to a time when he arrived at the laboratory and thought the way to shake hands involved offering his minor finger wiggling in the air; it was a major mistake.

Only the Brain gets away with calling him Pinkie…  Mr “The Pinkie” Traynor is the media supremo, now standing with a question on his lips.

Pinkie is therefore, the first to break the silence, “Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?”

Raising an eyebrow from his furrowed work he turns slowly and responds, “The same thing we do every night, Pinkie – try to take over the SPFL!”

Pinkie sweeps down from the top of the long marble staircase into the lab with the type of swish that could lead a march. “But Brain, do we have a plan?”

“Plan? Plan? Do I not always have a plan?” The Brain bristles with indignation…

“Yes, you always do Brain but…”

“But me no buts, Pinkie, this one is a doozy…”

The Brain turns to his computer triumphantly… “Look! I have taken all the information from the private, secret meetings that I had…”

“But aren’t they…”

“Don’t interrupt me Pinkie! I am in full flow…”

“Sorry Brain, it’s just…” A withering look is enough to silence Pinkie once more.

“Those rats have had it too good for too long. It is time to take down their scheming, lying, no good keeshters…”

Brain didn’t like rats. He was a laboratory mouse and believed that in the lab, there needed only to be room for superior beings; like him. “We need to win and Win Big! I have the suit to make it happen.”

“Are we getting dressed up?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“But you said suits…”

“A suite of allegations, evidence and remembered phone calls that were never on WhatsApp!”

“Could we not just dress in…”

“Pinkie pay attention. You will need to write the press release, organise the interviews, plan the street parties and make good our coronation. When we have finished there shall be no place for that rat Doncaster…”

At that The Brain stops for Pinkie to get excited. Instead Pinkie is staring into space, contemplating how he once had a radio show, media career and a presence in the outside world; now people have hardly heard or seen him since the famous Warburton Episode (He thinks it is so famous he doesn’t need to refer to it any more).

He realises that Brain is looking at him and expecting a response.

“OK…” he replies. The Brain returns to the hitherto mentioned Full Flow.

“Thanks to Snowball the Hearts Hamster, Precious the Stranraer Cat and the Acme Gene Splicer we have been able to split the opposition clean down the middle. There are $10 Million reasons why they should come over to our side! Not that we know it! Or do they! We now have most on one side and the few on the other…”

“Aren’t the few on our side…”

“That’s not important. They have been telling people that the most are theirs and they are not!”

“Who’s are they?”

“That’s not important. They can’t even write things out properly! When they see the cut of our gib and The Big Dossier they shall tumble, tumble I tell you – TUMBLE!”

Pinkie is caught staring again. He is trying to work out which part of his body is a gib and why it would need cut as he realises that The Brain is awaiting another response.

“OK…” he replies again. The Brain starts walking around the lab; Pinkie, with nothing better to do walks behind him. They look for all the world like a couple of old Music Hall comedians.

“But we need a splash!” announces The Brain!

“A splash!” repeats Pinkie!

“We need to scare people!”

“Witless””

“We need… we need… Pinkie?”

“Yes?”

“What do we need?”

“We need to challenge the SPFL. We need to suggest, no, we need to hint at the Big Dossier. Let them all run around thinking they know what is in it. Then we need to make them think that there is nothing in it that people don’t already know.”

“Lull them into a false sense of security?”

“Something like that. We need an all out attack.”

“I like that! Call for heads! Suggest bullying?”

“Is that not a bit tame? Could we not include suggestions of a militant virginal sacrifice or some kind of bias in refereeing decisions?”

“Ah! I like it but they have been sacrificing us!”

“GOOD! US! They are sacrificing US! Then we go on all the talk shows and get angry!”

“Angry?”

“Really angry – send Bennet.”

“Gordon?”

“No, the other one. Once they realise, we are dead angry, like actual furious, then release the Dogs of War!”

“The what?”

“The Big Dossier!”

“Ah right! And then they shall bend to our will! They shall kneel at our feet and beg for us to take over, to be the new leaders!” During his rant, the Brain has leant backwards. His elbow has rested upon the keyboard of His Big Computer on which The Big Dossier was created and a message flashes up. SENT TO ALL!

Pinkie notices.

Seconds later His Big Computer flashes up and makes lots of pinging noises. The Brain jumps, alarmed at the noises. He starts looking all around the lab, confused and upset by the noises.

“What is that?” He exclaims.

Pinkie says nothing but can see a number of words in messages now flooding in. He turns to The Brain and says “The Big Dossier is out. The evidence is released. The reaction is in.”

“When do we take over?”

Pinkie looks at his notes, at his media strategy now ruined and wonders if he shall ever be able to return to Airdrie ever again… He shakes his head. A banging then starts at the outside door. The Brain jumps.

“What is that now?” he exclaims.

Pinkie looks out the round window as the square window was blocked. “It’s our fans. The loyal band of merry men. We can always depend upon the fans.”

The Brain looks out with him. “Yes Pinkie, they are true and loyal, always ready…”

Pinkie becomes aware of the colours of past failed schemes, the White, the Green, even the King Scheme and wonders for how long things may stay the same. Philosophically he turns to the brain and says, “Never mind Brain, there is always tomorrow. I am sure that if you sing hard enough, it may eventually belong to you. But most of all, we will not stop asking the questions!”

 

Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as neither Mr Robertson nor Mr Traynor, as far as he is aware, resemble cartoon mice, this is clearly fictional and never actual happened.

 

The fact is that during the week Rangers FC released their much vaulted dossier on what is wrong with the SPFL. It would be fair to say that the general consensus is that there is much in it of merit and requires investigation, however their media campaign has set people against it and given the drastic measures they have called for, with the Extraordinary General Meeting called to try and ram home their points, it may end up being less productive than you could ever imagine. In amongst all of this Rangers fans have not been consulted nor have done much apart from showing their loyalty and dedication to their club; like most of us should.

 


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