Date: 25th August 2020
The latest blog from SFSA writer Donald Stewart:
Mr Broadknuckles defends the indefensible…
Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland and the Big Levein are not happy.
Mr Broadknuckles has upset them and they are waiting from him to come out the local pub, The Snout in the Trough, to have a word…
Picture the scene…
Local man of action, Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland has been in charge of the scheme for years. Running his mouth off, keeping all in line and making sure that if anyone does lines, it’s of his prose has been his business alone.
Now Mr Broadknuckles has returned and he is obsessed. Obsessed with The Hearts.
The Big Levein is therefore here because of that.
The Budge sent him a message which is quite a thing because the Big Levein and The Budge were not talking for a while and now they are talking and the talk is about Mr Broadknuckles and his vendetta against The Hearts.
As The Big Levein is about to ask Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland, what it is they are going to do, the saloon doors open and out pops Mr Broadknuckles. He has to cross the road and get to the underpass where many have lost their underwear for one of two reasons. Tonight Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland and the Big Levein are waiting and it isn’t to give Mr Broadknuckles a wedgy.
Mr Broadknuckles is an amiable chap. Or so he thinks. Mr Broadknuckles is a bright chap. Or so he thinks. Mr Broadknuckles is loved by everybody. Very few people like Mr Broadknuckles and he is not aware of this…
Mr Broadknuckles does not make deals but is responsible for telling people about the deals. He speaks in deal lingo and few people understand the deal lingo.
What they do understand is that Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland has just stepped out in front of Mr Broadknuckles whilst the Big Levein has walked out behind him. Mt Broadknuckles is cornered. Or trapped…
Mr Broadknuckles takes his clown nose off and chuckles. “And what do I owe the pleasure of your companies this fair and yet moderately priced evening, gentlemen? And oh, Mr Levein, could this be about The Hearts. Just so as we all know, this is not about The Hearts, can I make that clear?”
Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland speaks first. “We know you have been talking about The Hearts again.”
The Big Levein continues from behind, “You have been saying things that are not true about The Hearts. And furthermore…”
Mr Broadknuckles turns his big clown feet to one side, removes one of his big outsized rainbow braces and faces The Big Levein square on with his watering flower to one side and his whoopy cushion to the other. He says, “That’s a big word furthermore. Would have cost you a fortune to send that in a telegram…”
Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland interjects. “List Broadknuckles, enough is enough. You have done it now. The Budge aint happy and when she aint happy, there is a problem…”
Mr Broadknuckles, interjects, “Let me just stop you right there, Father Ted. I know about the problem. It is because we told The Budge to stop practicing. But we told everyone to stop practicing. This is not about The Hearts, can I make that clear?”
The Big Levein laughs, “But ye didne stop everybody ye diddy. The Celts and the Rangers and even the Tangerines are still practicing.”
Mr Broadknuckles is taken unawares. In an attempt to recover he says, ”Aye, but that’s because of the economic imperative that necessitates a resumption of The Dons, and The Celts to keep the deal sweet at the TV. This is not about The Hearts, have I made that clear?”
Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland says, “You don’t even make sense.”
Mr Broadknuckles chuckles again, thinking, my work here may be done. He turns to Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland, and scoffs at him, “Look here you are in my way. This is not about The Hearts, I think I have made that clear?”
Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland and Mr Levein chuckle this time. Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland speaks for them both, “You may get away with your gobbledygook in the JRG and the SFA but there aint no acronym going to beat us.”
Mr Broadknuckles looks him straight in the eye. “I don’t need to beat you every time, Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland, I just need to beat you enough to get a regular slot on Sportsound and then a daft wee gig now and again on Off the Ball and all is good in the world so I can tell everyone that this is not about The Hearts, clear?.”
The Big Levein is incandescent. The Big Levein stumbles over his words when he is incandescent. “You cannae dae that, ah need that gig!”
Mr Broadknuckles chuckles, “Read it and weep.” He tosses the paper from inside his oversized trousers at The Big Levein.
It is coloured pink and filled with news about the fitba but one thing becomes very obvious. There are Hibs fans who are having a right go at Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland and Hearts fans that are having right dig at The Big Levein but there is no mention of the insanity being espoused by Mr Broadknuckles.
Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland, has by now got round to the side of The Big Levein to read the articles too. It takes Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland a little longer to read them because he does not look or sound like The Big Levein who looks and sounds like he had a University education at some point.
“There is no mention of you…” starts Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland as both he and The Big Levein look up to see that Mr Broadknuckles has disappeared.
“It’s like he’s Macavity,” says The Big Levein. Mr English, the Irishman working in Scotland takes out his notebook and writes that down, thinking not another bloody Scottish pundit I shall have to fall out with…
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that a Mr English nor a Mr Levein have ever stood together outside a pub waiting on anybody, as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actual happened, though some of the ideas and the arguments were heard live on air.
The fact is that during the week on Sportsound, Darryl Broadfoot, speaking on behalf of the Joint Response Group (JRG) of the Scottish Football Association (SFA) and the Scottish Professional Football league (SPFL) ended up in an argument with Tom English and Craig Levein about the JRG decision to pause training for one week for clubs below the Premiership because it is too economically difficult to stop training for the clubs who were guilty of the breach of Government guidelines. This happened to further punish Hearts and Mr Broadfoot was at pains to point out that both Mr Levein and Mr English had an obsession about Hearts, though he was the one constantly bringing them into the argument. Hibs fans took to the internet to complain about how bad Sportsound was and how much of genius Darryl Broadfoot happened to be. Neutrals have demurred…
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