Mr. Campbell tells it as it is

Date: 1st February 2021

The latest blog from SFSA writer Donald Stewart:

A legend has arrived to talk to the assembly on a Monday morning. Warned against using any colourful language, Mr. Campbell is on his best behaviour as he addresses the little ones at the Gayfield Nursery…

Picture the scene…

Mr. Campbell is standing with a shiny head at the front of a group of around 30 wee ones. They are all excited. They have heard that Mr. Campbell is quite famous and some of their fathers have said that he is quite famous, and he is a famous person but none of them know why. Some others have called him quite a few names that mummy said, daddy should not use… ever… and that is quite serious so he must be very famous…

They are all hopeful that Mr. Campbell will tell them why he is famous, but it has been a tough morning. Ross, Ian and Ian have fallen out about who gets to play in the sand pit and there have been some afters. Ian has been benched, Iain told to sit this one out and Ross, who was there first, transferred to the art and craft table.

Nervous and quite intimidated, Mr. Campbell stands at the front after his introduction and tries to smile.

There are a few of the little ones who are quite sacred by this…

Unperturbed Mr. Campbell begins.

“Anyone know who I am?”

Everyone shakes their head.

This has not started well….

“I am a manager…”

One of the little ones pipes up, “Of the team… that plays at the sta… stad… park”

Given the state of the ground Mr. Campbell is forced to just nod his head.

“That’s right,” he says. Another hand goes up.

“Can I go to the toilet?”

The teacher, a Ms. Campbell, intervenes. “Now Ian, you only went two minutes ago.” Ian is not to be ignored. “But, miss ah’m bursting.”

Ms. Campbell smiles at Mr. Campbell and indicates he should keep going.

“I am in charge of all the players and I decide who plays.” At that point another hand goes up.

Without being asked to ask his question, he blurts out, “Can I get a game?”

Ms. Campbell intervenes, “Iain, let Mr. Campbell speak and you never know. Maybe one day he will pick you.”

Ms. Campbell once again smiles at Mr. Campbell and indicates he should keep going.

“I used to pick my team on a Thursday, but now, I cannae do that…”

Another hand shoots up and before Ms. Campbell can say another thing, the owner of it asks, “Is that because you are too old and cannae remember the names?”

Ms. Campbell once more intervenes. “Ross, please do not be so rude.”

Ms. Campbell sidles up to Mr. Campbell. “They are all from the same family, Ian, Iain and Ross. Troubled. In the thick of everything. You have no doubt heard of them?”

“Campbells?” asks Mr. Campbell.

Ms. Campbell merely nods, then smiles at Mr. Campbell and indicates he should still keep going.

“Thank you, Ross. I can see you might be a handful. No, it’s because of the virus.”

Another hand shoots up. It’s Ian, the original Ian. “Please miss, ahm going to have to go. It’s about to run down my leg…”

Just at that, Mr. Campbell is saved by the bell which rings, calling time on his talk. As the young uns, run out the room, after 1,300 games in charge he is grateful that he doesn’t have to deal with them any more…

Families can be tough critics…


Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an original tale, there is no evidence that there have ever been five Campbells in the one room at Gayfield Nursery, , this is therefore not true, though Mr. Dick Campbell has worked with an Ian Campbell, a Ross Campbell and an Iain Campbell in the past.

During the week, Dick Campbell, manager of Arbroath FC was interviewed to give his view on football as it is. He, as is his want and right, gave a sweeping interview that took in such controversial topics as VAR and the continuation of the season. Sagely, as someone who has faced a life threatening condition before, cancer, when asked about what has been happening in the world today, he referred to another Campbell, his faither, when he said,”I’m like John and everyone else. It doesn’t sit well with me, [we have] that amount of people dying every day and we’re trying to play a game of football. My dad always said to me ‘it cannae be somebody else all the time’. That’s what happened to me when I picked up the cancer. It’s the biggest fright you’ll ever get.” Dick Campbell has also worked with his twin, Ian and his two sons, Iain and Ross at various points in his career.

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