Mr. Christopher and Mr. Alastair are in trouble

Date: 1st March 2021

The latest blog from SFSA writer Donald Stewart:

Just who has caused the most upset in the water, who has been mucking about in the sand pit and who shoved Lego up wee Nathan Paterson’s nose?

Mr. Christopher and Mr. Alastair are at the Nursery Headteacher’s office as the investigation begins.

Picture the scene…

They have not been in the school two minutes, as lockdown is easing, before the two tykes have been at it again and are now in big trouble.

The headteacher, Ms. Doncaster is towering over them with a GI Joe haircut reminiscent of that horrible teacher in Matilda, but both boys seem to be unrepentant.

Ms. Doncaster tries in her best voice, her inside voice, to ask one of them to own up. “Right boys, tik tok, who has been naughty in the sand, the water and caused Nathan such… an upset.”

Defiantly both boys fold their arms and jut out their chins.

Ms. Doncaster waits…

Eventually, as she expected, Mr. Christopher breaks first. “It’s no fair.” He begins, “I mean Jordan and George didnae get this big trouble last time round.”

Ms. Doncaster, though aware of the incident with the boys Jones and Edmundson fails to see what Mr. Christopher might be getting at.

Mr. Alastair, with his cheeky wee grin, simply says, “It’s no, no fair.”

Ms. Doncaster has to move between them as Mr. Christopher reacts and tries to grab Mr. Alastair.

“Now, Mr. Christopher, this is not how we behave.”

Deciding to take a firmer tone Ms. Doncaster tries to be more authoritative. Right boys, I am going to ask again, and I want a straight answer from either of you. Who did that in the sand pit, who spread the water everywhere and who stuck Lego up Nathan’s nose?”

Mr. Christopher smirks. He likes to smirk.

He asks. “Please miss, see if yous find out who has done them things, will they get into the same trouble as what Jordan and George had got before, miss?”

Thinking she was smart, Ms. Doncaster enters negotiation mode.

“Well, Mr. Christopher, do you think they should get into the same kind of trouble?”

Mr. Christopher smirks once more and answers, “I fair think they should cos it’s the same kind of thingmy they done.”

Mr. Alastair decides to intervene and says, “Aye but it isnae the right same but, sure it’s no. I mean it’s like the kinda same but it isnae really but.”

Mr. Christopher can spot a cue when he sees one and joins in. “Aye but, it is but, isn’t it no?”

Mr. Alastair further joins in with, “Aye but it isnae really but, I mean it wouldnae be the same thingmy but it might no be the wrang thingmy…”

Mr. Christopher, realising how well things are going continues with, “Aye but you wouldnae want anyone tae worm their way out but.”

Losing control to a couple of tousled haired, four year old tykes sees Ms. Doncaster lose it and she shrieks at the top of her voice, “Would you pair cut it. I have had enough of the pair of you wee snotters thinking yer smart and yer clever and yer untouchable but I am not, and I repeat I am NOT here to be entertained by a couple of four year old clowns who think it IS FUNNY TO STICK LEGO UP A CHILD’S NOSE. AND BEFORE YE TELL ME WHO YER PARENTS ARE I AM NOT IMPRESSED. HEAR ME? I AM NOT IMPRESSED BY FOUR PEOPLE WHO WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH  TAE MEET  ON TINDER AND HAVE THE LIKES OF YOU THANKS TO A KNEE TREMBLER AT THE BACK OF THE GARAGE SO SPILL YA FANNIES!”

Just then the school secretary, opens the door visibly shocked as she and her two guests, aforementioned parents of two fannies and wee snotters, summoned by her at the headteacher’s insistence, have witnessed the last few moments. As the door is opened a red faced Ms. Doncaster has her back to it as she hears the school secretary announce, “Ms. Doncaster, as requested, Mr. and Mrs. McCoist and Mrs. and Mrs. Sutton are here to see you.”

Ms. Doncaster turns slowly and as she tries to smile, she hears a couple of wee fannies, who know their audience, start to wail in mock derision and she thinks about how she might spend her early retirement…


Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an original tale, there is no evidence that Chris Sutton and Alastair McCoist ever went to Nursery School together, so this is therefore not true, though both did fall out during the week on BT Sport.

On a Friday night edition ofBT Sport’s Scottish Football Extra things got pretty heated as Chris Sutton and Ally McCoist just about came to blows over Rangers’ treatment of their seven COVID rulebreakers. Nathan Patterson, Calvin Bassey and Bongani Zungu were all named on the bench for the win over Antwerp in the Europa League with Patterson coming on at half-time to score and Zungu featuring later on. Ex-Celtic striker Sutton accused Rangers of a lack of consistency in dealing with the players. Ally McCoist was having none of it, but the last words were left with Sutton as he said, “I’m not disagreeing with you, I’m just saying it’s a massive double-standard. Even you, and you worm your way out of a lot of things, have to accept that there’s been different treatment.” There is no VAR evidence of what happened in the sandpit, in the water or with the Lego once the cameras stopped rolling.

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