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Mr. Clarke wants ye tae smile a bit…

Date: 16th June 2024

“Does the mirror lie?”

Mr. Clarke wants to know.

Because, every time, he smiles at it, it looks like he is in pain.

But there has been no dentistry involved, no mumps in his tender years.

He just looks odd, and this is a problem.

Picture the scene…

National Front of House and Welcome Host consultant, Mr. Clarke, is preparing for the next session in his meet and greet European extravaganza in Stuttgart of all places. He is not just trying to sell himself but sell a philosophy.

For years he has been able to show off his prowess front of house in a dour Scotland where smiling is less of a pastime but more of a national emergency: when people smile others get suspicious.

But Mr. Clarke has led the charge on getting the nation to smile once again.

They have all started to, well, feel good about things. They have even started to like the sunshine! They have embraced his lack of positivity as … positivity.

Some say it is weird, but what do they know?

And now, Mr. Clarke is in Germany selling his brand of customer care to a European market.

Even the English have turned up…

And today is the day. The final day of the first stage of the conference. And Mr. Clarke has to shine, otherwise he shall go home with his tail between his legs and no sales. His future depends upon today.

It all began so badly. About as fortnight ago Mr. Clarke could not sell anything to the Germans. It had been a complete wipe out and many in his own team had predicted that Mr. Clarke should just have turned tail and come home straight afterwards but then came the Swiss presentation.

Mr. Clarke came out fighting.

There was a huge difference and even the most cynical around called it a score draw at the very least.

But now, he needs a better result. He faces a Hungarian delegation who are very difficult to beat down to a fair price. If Mr. Clarke has ambition to stay in this sales race he needs to make significant sales and show the rest of Europe that his brand of party is THE brand for the future. He needs to make everyone in the room smile.

But he looks again at the mirror. He can see himself and that might be the problem. He is over thinking it.

He sits. Contemplates. Does a wee bit of mindfulness. Gets up. Walks to the fridge.

And there. Sitting on the top shelf. Brought in for the duration of his time there, in a wee plastic Aldi bag that almost got confiscated at the airport, a wee reminder of home.

24 cans of Irn Bru.

Other drinks may be available, he thinks, but as he pushes the Sprite to one side, the Coke falls to the floor and the caffeine riddled Red Bull faints in the sunshine rays of Scotland’s only other drink, he picks up one can.

Mr. Clarke lifts it out the fridge and pulls the ring pull.

Liquid sunshine.

He puts it to his lips, drinks and looks down below his hotel window.

There are his compatriots. Some of them being interviewed by German TV as he sees one of them showing what he is not wearing under his kilt.

Mr. Clarke chuckles.

He chuckles again. He turns and catches himself in the mirror. Natural optimism.

He looks down at the scene below again and his compatriots, his people, his team are also flowing with joy. They are laughing, even partying as he looks again at the mirror. The laughter lines are back, the optimism restored, the memories of what went wrong stored away and the lessons learned.

Before he knows it, the drink is drunk, the can is turfed into the basket and the determination returns.

Mr. Clarke is positively beaming.

Bring oan the Hungarians, he thinks as he pushes his hotel door open and strides with confidence and a gallus swagger towards the next contest.

Mr. Clarke is back…

 

Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an original piece of work there is no evidence that Steve Clarke has ever sold a front of house package as a consultant, unless you know differently, so, this is clearly a piece of fiction.

The fact is that Euro 24, after being humped by Germany, and facing Switzerland, in the group stages end in Stuttgart against Hungary. In an interview with the BBC, Steve Clarke told them, “The bottom line is we need four points to come out the group, that guarantees that you’ll come out of the group almost forever. That always happens. We play against Hungary in the last game, that’s where we want to be – where we know we can get a result and we can qualify.” He was also widely reported to have wanted to make the fans smile a bit during the competition. After the game against Germany, the determination shall be doubled, the optimism dimmed but the reality is, we are still in with a shout… ‘Mon the Scots.


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