Date: 10th June 2021
The latest blog from SFSA writer Donald Stewart.
“Hello, is that Thomas Cook? Aye? Can I book? With Thomas Cook?”
Mr. Ferguson of Brechin is the type of man to laugh at his own joke, so he does.
Nobody else does.
Picture the scene…
Mr. Ferguson of Brechin is sitting in his modest maisonette and look at where he can go on Google as he really needs a getaway.
For the past hour or so he has been trying to make sense of the new levels and regulations for the pandemic and the truth is, he never really liked rules and regulations. They always stopped him from doing what he wants. And he wants to get away…
Up until this morning he was the principal chair of the Make Brechin Beautiful Campaign until they found him out. He felt that he had no option but to step down.
You see, Mr. Ferguson of Brechin is no daft.
He knew that the towns up north were particularly adept at this competition. A flurry of flowerpots in stations, roundabouts constantly in bloom and the types of variety of hardy perennials that would make a Gala Queen positively blush in excitement is the order of the Highland Day.
Mr. Ferguson of Brechin knew that those down south were far less sophisticated. He had tried to make an appointment with them to convince them to take the Make Brechin Beautiful campaign into their competition so they could sidestep the more serious competition up north.
Still smarting from the indignity of being relegated from the bigger national competition which they had once thought they could dominate, their downfall, under his chairmanship, was left with the ultimate embarrassment. They were now grubbing about and hoping to be let in rather than being a thing of power.
He remembers the time that one promotion after another galvanised the committee with such excitement.
And then there was THAT year.
A year that saw them fail to impress anyone and they won nothing.
Even the faithful who dreamed, were left with nothing at all.
Hedging their bets was always the way they did things, but that year even the hedging failed to deliver.
Then came the ultimate red neck.
All of the towns in the Lowland Horticultural Committee – all 17 of them – voted against Mr. Ferguson of Brechin and the Make Brechin Beautiful campaign being allowed into their competition.
And now the committee, his own committee, have no faith left.
And so, this morning he fell on his word and resigned.
But there was worse to come which is why he needed to get away.
He knows that when they find out he was even prepared to bribe the Lowland Committee there shall be hell to pay. Just where he could find £17,000 was open to conjecture at best. At worst questions would be referred to another body for investigation. The Royal Horticultural Society was toothless in such a dispute but had been mentioned.
He had now been on hold for ages. The people round about the close in which he was hiding were beginning to stir. Soon he would be unable to get away unseen.
He knew that he would not be the only member of the committee to suffer, and he could not face them. He needed away.
Just at that point, Mr. Ferguson of Brechin hears a voice at the other end of the phone.
“Mr. Ferguson? This is Claims Are Us and You Too PLC, we wondered if we could have a word about the accident you had in January last year? Did you receive any compensation?”
Mr. Ferguson of Brechin then looks at his phone to see he has hit last number and it dialled the premium phone line that had tried to call him yesterday and was a fraudulent call – according to his phone. He had been on hold for how long?
No matter where he was going to turn, Mr. Ferguson of Brechin was clearly not going to find a bolthole… Nor were things going to go his way… at least not today… maybe tomorrow? Maybe aye, mebbe naw…
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an original tale, there is no evidence that a Mr. Ferguson of Brechin has ever been the chair of a horticultural society.
During the week, Mr Ferguson, chair of Brechin, stepped down after his attempt to get Brechin City into the Lowland League was voted down. He was allegedly offering to pay each of them £1,000 to vote for their inclusion would suggest he could progress to getting a job on an Olympic Committee somewhere or with FIFA. Except of course that does not occur to us as that could be construed as blasphemy”
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