Date: 26th October 2020
The latest blog by SFSA writer Donald Stewart:
Mr Lennon and Mr Ross argue over who pays for the kebab…
They have found something that should be shut and at that time of the morning we all know that if anything should be shut, it’s yer mouth, but they have not got the wherewithal to see it…
Picture the scene…
It is 4am and Mr. Lennon and Mr. Ross are outside an illegal backstreet kebab shop run by Mr. Horace McGlumfrie.
Of home grown heritage he hails from the Calton, by way of Easterhouse, but has made his way through the fast food pyramid via burger van, chip van and now a portable oven on the back of the same van that can handle the odd salmonella outbreak … and kebabs…
From a distance even Mr. Horace McGlumfrie can see that this couple are a right pair as they bicker and complain at each other all the way down the alley towards the van. Wanting to make sure that nobody hears them so that nobody spots him, Mr. Horace McGlumfrie starts to shush them as soon as they get close…
As with all of those the worse for wear, telling them to do something will often end up with the opposite effect.
Mr. Ross starts it off, “Will somebody tell him! It was the weakest I have seen in 20 years. I mean were your guys actually fit?”
What transpires from the next two or three exchanges is that Mr. Lennon and Mr. Brown are respectively the captains of rival darts teams. Mr. Horace McGlumfrie did not know this as he always thought they were just a couple of chancers with little or no roots to any real community though having being adopted by two bosom close families that may come from opposite sides of a street. He never asked what street it might be and never saw it quite as romantically as Romeo and Juliet style friendship.
Mr. Lennon is quick to retort at Mr. Ross, “You are an embarrassment and I demand, I actual demand, so I do, that you say sorry to my squad.”
At that Mr. Lennon opens his wallet, drops it on the ground, stares for a moment or two and then tries to pick up his cards one by one. Mr. Ross stares in awe. Mr. Horace McGlumfrie asks them what they want to eat.
Mr. Lennon breaks the silence. “I am surprised and sidappointed so I am. I bet you that your gaffer will call me up and apologises for what you are saying to me.”
At that, Mr. Ross guffaws.
Mr. Horace McGlumfrie shakes his head and asks, “Donner fur the baith o ye?”
Mr. Ross nods, then Mr. Lennon, unsure of what he is trying to agree to, nods too. Mr. Horace McGlumfrie leaves them to it to go and carve.
Mr. Lennon returns to his theme, ““He will be unhappiness. Sometimes you are guilty by associationals and it’s nothing to do with him, so it hasnae, an that.”
Mr. Ross looks unsure of what is being said and asks, “Who? Associan… associa… associationals n that is what”
Mr. Lennon responds, “Your gaffer. “He will find it embarrassing so he will an all. As a club, he has really good peoples in there and they will find it embarrassing as well, so they will too.”
Mr. Ross goes back to looking unsure and asks, “About what is they going to… embarrass… what is…” at this he begins to feel queasy, like the earlier night time indulgences are coming back to haunt him.
The night had started with a few in the house, then out to the darts where they snuck in a few Carlsberg Special Brews before ending up down the park with a bottle of Buckie. Having to arrange the darts in a café was not ideal but at least they got a game in.
Mr. Horace McGlumfrie sticks his head out the van.
Mr. Ross looks up and sees a head floating out a van and pukes everywhere. Mr. Lennon notices the sick just before it falls on his Boots Advantage card and makes him decide not to pick it up. He looks up to see someone with their head out a van muttering something about salad and sauce. He nods, three times to get his point across. He notices Mr. Ross has stood up and is balancing unsteadily on his two feet.
Mr. Lennon thinks about taking pity and then decides against it. He continues his onslaught, ““And to be honest with you, and I am being honest but you know I love you, so I do BUT, enough, I found your comments embarrassingly, rather than for anyone else.”
Mr. Ross feels a lot better and stands back to admire his trail on the pavement. He frowns and tries to remember when he ate a store card when Mr. Horace McGlumfrie arrives at the other side with two pouches of warm food.
“That’s eleven quid,” he announces. Mr. Lennon takes his and when Mr. Horace McGlumfrie seems to be gesturing for money nods at Mr. Ross and says, “It’s on him.
Mr. Ross wakes up at that as he has nowhere near £11 on him!
He runs after Mr. Lennon whilst Mr. Horace McGlumfrie goes for his pizza shovel.
This is likely to get ugly, he thinks.
The following morning some wit at a national daily red top is struggling not to write, Lennon gives Ross a pizza of his mind as a headline…
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that such a thing as an illegal kebab van exists, this is clearly fictional and never actual happened, though some of the comments were spoken by a Mr. Lennon and a Mr. Ross.
During the week, Neil Lennon reacted to comments made by Motherwell Assistant Manager, and former Rangers player, Maurice Ross who questioned the squad being used by Lennon in the Auld Firm Game. Lennon claimed that his gaffer, Stephen Robinson did indeed call him up to apologise. In light of a global pandemic and not managing to beat their biggest rivals or get a win in Europe, as their rivals did, some may suggest this is decent diversionary tactics. I couldn’t possibly comment…
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