Mr Mckay talks balls

Date: 28th October 2021

Mr. McKay talks balls

Donald Stewart’s creative piece featuring former Celtic Chief Executive Officer Dominic Mckay as the main protagonist.

“It’s the interview process in place for a new job…

They need someone with experience down the Tiny Castle Ball Pool…

Someone who knows their … balls…

Picture the scene…

Mr. McKay, recently of the East End of Glasgow has applied to be the custodian of all things balls shaped in the nursery…

Previously he was doing a similar job over in Glasgow where he was put in charge of the ball pool for one half of the mighty two big centres of fun in the city.

He had found it hard, especially the idea that only green, white and yellow balls were allowed in the pool. Many a day the wee tykes from the local area would sneak in and try to put under the radar the odd red and blue balls for fun. It appeared for some more than a dare, like an initiation ceremony for their pals to laugh about in the playground thereafter.

 Mr. McKay was too wise to them, but his tenure came to an end when the owner, a Mr. Desmond, noticed that Mr. McKay was very lax over who he was allowing into the ball pool. There were names on the roster for inclusion into the club that Mr. Desmond felt were unworthy of the club and Mr. McKay had his time cut short as custodian.

Hence, he was seeking new employment.

At the Tiny Castle.

In front of…

The Budge.

The Budge was not so hands on as she had been before. Taking a package to stand back a little she was now more of a dominant force without her hand in the till. It allowed people to think she had no control, influence or made anything out of the Tiny Castle Nursery.

But her influence was everywhere…

It’s in the midst of this interview for example.

The Budge is sat, sitting with her double macchiato with triple shot and the green milk from the vegan dairy. They paint the cartons maroon, so she does not get offended. It is in her hand to calm her nerves for the day. It comes with no sugar but 15 sweeteners as she is far from sweet enough at any time.

Mr. McKay is a tad nervous as he knows her by reputation and sight. Neither had been made him feel at ease.

She is now looking at him in a manner which is deeply disturbing. He is standing at the door of the room in which the interview is to be held. She is behind a desk and in the room is one other chair. It is for him upon which to sit. It is the same size as the ones for the toddlers. He is unsure if he is to sit at all when she nods towards the chair and indicates he should sit on it.

He does.

His knees are now just above his eye line and his feeling of discomfort is noticeable.

The Budge smiles inwardly. She likes making people feel uncomfortable.

In the shadows of the room there is another smile but The Big Levein has not announced his presence yet and he may not… his role in the shadows, with an extra gig in Brechin, has always been to hang about like a bad smell.

Mr. McKay notices a bad smell but decides not to mention it, in case The Budge tells him what it is… And he is worried it is coming from himself…

The Budge starts the interview with one question.

“So, Mr. McKay you have seen our ball pool. What do you think?”

Mr. McKay splits his knees so he can see, leading to him looking for all the world like a besuited anomaly in an exercise class as he says, “They have the wrong shape balls.”

This has not been the answer expected. The Budge clears her throat and ask, “What?”

Mr. McKay decides it is time for him to make his play for change in the Tiny Castle ball pool, for change in the national way of being in a ball pool and the hardy manner of all ball pools wherever they may be.

“He clears his throat and says, “They should be the pointy balls. Not the round ones. I think the pointy egg ones are better as they create character, are better able to be thrown around the place and show each of our charges what is possible with thinking tactically outside of the box.”

The Budge clears her throat and is temporarily unaware of what to say next. She wonders what he may think of the colour scheme of maroon and white for the balls, and meekly musters, “What about the colours?”

“Oh, the colours they are fine,” replies Mr. McKay.

The Budge nearly spits her coffee out as she thinks that contrary to the CV and the referee statements, she has received that he was from the southside of the Glasgow and not the North East. Maybe this explains why he did not last in the Green and White. It is clear to her that he is not a suitable candidate, and The Budge does not spend time with unsuitable candidates. She thanks Mr. McKay for his time and then indicates the door.

Relieved Mr. McKay gets up and leaves the room.

As he does his phone lights up and he notices a foreign number on the screen. Knowing that this is a better offer he smiles as he leaves the nursery before answering it.

Back in the nursery, The Budge’s search continues for someone to take charge of the ball pool. The head of the nursery, Mr. Neilson, aware of the need of someone to join the team, has just arrived and is about to set up for the day as The Big Levein slithers out the back entrance. The Budge finishes her coffee and wanders through the nursery making everyone nervous as she walks through. As she leaves a huge sigh of relief is heard. By all, apart from her. She has, after all, heard it all before…

Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an original tale, there is no evidence that Mr. McKay has ever applied for a job in a nursery or that A Budge has ever interviewed him or takes 15 sweeteners in her coffee, unless you know differently, therefore this is clearly a work of fiction.

The fact is that during the week, Mr. Dominic McKay, formerly and employee of Celtic Football Club has returned to rugby as chairman of the European Professional Club Rugby on an interim basis. He has therefore swapped one set of balls for another set of balls…”


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