Date: 29th September 2020
The latest blog from SFSA writer Donald Stewart:
Mr. McInnes enters the room after losing convincingly to Motherwell, unaware of the furore and confusion into which he is about to enter…
Picture the scene…
Pittodrie press room, fool of titters and laughter as Mr. McInnes enters.
It is obvious even to him that all is filled with hilarity as he takes his seat. There are seasoned hacks trying hard not to explode out loud. Collectively they have seen the pictures and read the reports. In any slow news day this would be newspaper gold. As it is they wonder if anyone at the club knows what has been happening before the game as an interloper gained access to the ground and took what might be described as personal pictures in the ground…
Mr. McInnes has no idea. This is not a comment upon his footballing acumen for he has many ideas and some of those ideas are clearly good ones but for the moment he is, totally clueless.
Mr. McInnes sits down uneasy but prepared he hopes, as he thinks they are all laughing at his side’s performance. He tries the headteacher approach.
“All right, settle down. First question?”
A hand is raised and Mr. McInnes points to the man with it up.
“Derek, miss anything today?”
There is an attempt not to titter too loudly at the back, but some are clearly struggling.
“I assume you mean Scott McKenna?” He did not. “Well,” continues Mr. McInnes. “I think it is fair to say we were out of sorts. Next?”
In an attempt to keep things serious Mr. McInnes clearly thinks that he should try and push on.
Another hand goes up.
“Anything to say about the lack of performance from the dugout?”
There are a few down the front trying to stifle their shoulders as Mr. McInnes sees one of the media people from Aberdeen enter at the back with a worried look on his face.
“I think I did OK and handled everything the way it should be.”
At that one of the reporters has had too much and barges past the newly arrived media guy and can be seen desperately trying to get to a place to let out a laugh. Inside the room the others are maintaining a dignified tension; but only just.
The media guy is trying to work out how to get to Mr. McInnes but the room is too busy to get to the front as another hack sticks his hand up.
“Mr. McInnes, given the current state of play, did you feel at any time more eyes upon you than at any other time this week?”
Mr. McInnes screws up his eyes and is beginning to get suspicious.
He seeks clarification, “What do you mean?”
The reporter has his chance. “Well, currently in lockdown there are quite a few people trying to get in through what you might term, the back door.” At that two of the reporters collapse. Mr. McInnes can see that the Aberdeen media guy is now waving frantically at him. The place is about to erupt into chaos.
The reporter is hot on his theme however. “I mean Mr. McInnes did you feel that your players were getting the bum’s rush from the stand or that they had at any time performance issues that were being given, what you might call, bare faced cheek in response form the lack of a crowd?”
At that the reporter asking the question loses it, collapsing into fits of giggles whilst all around him are losing their heads. He is certainly not waiting for an answer as Mr. McInnes rises from his seat, having had enough. He walks towards the media guy who shoves a laptop towards him.
Before looking at the screen, Mr. McInnes leaves the room with his view of events, “Just to clear guys and in advance of your deadlines, Motherwell were by far the better side. I thought they looked the hungrier team. I thought they looked like a team ready to win points and we looked like a team just out to play a game of fitba. We were well beaten.”
At that he lifts the laptop as the media guy holds open the door for him to leave. What he sees is a website with a young woman clearly showing her attributes in the Aberdeen dugout. The narrative tells him that a certain Ms Marr broke into Pittodrie for a few naughty pics which can be seen on this site. Mr. McInnes looks up at the media guy and says, “Thank God for that.” He nods at the media room, “I thought they were laughing at the eleven fannies I put out on the park…”
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that Mr. McInnes has ever called his players fannies, this is clearly fictional and never actual happened, though some of the comments were spoken after the game by a Mr. Derek McInnes.
The fact is that before the game Ms Chelsea Marr managed, in a drunken mistake, get into Pittodrie for a few pictures to be taken of her in the main stand and dugout displaying what my mother would describe as her bare erse. There has been no official comment from Aberdeen Football Club though Ms Marr has tried to apologise for the amount of Buckfast she consumed something of an internet celebrity. Aberdeen put it all behind them when back out on domestic action managing to slip three past Ross County.
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