Regrettably Mr. Stewart

Date: 14th January 2023

(Photo: @HomesofFootball)

This week’s second Donald’s blog.

Regrettably Mr. Stewart

Family events?

Right after Christmas?

Seriously?

A wedding?

Picture the scene…

Mr. Stewart has a niece. She has a boyfriend. On Christmas Eve he became a fiancé. Then on New Year’s Eve at the family gathering they announced their immediate plans to marry.

Nobody realised the need for the rush.

And now, like many Glasgow brides she is holding all in front of her. She is “beginning to show”. This means that in 2023, the boyfriend is going to become a father; from Tinder date to part of the family in less than a year.

But it is 2023. Why do they have to get married?

You need to meet Mr. Stewart’s brother-in-law, Mr. Goodwin.

Mr. Goodwin is old school. Pregnancy in the family? Down the aisle you two go…

And down they popped.

But in all the rush, they had to take what they could. The venue has seen better days as a hotel, the food feels like it is more Farmfoods than edible, the minister appears to have taken toast the bride to heart and been toasting them every five minutes from a hip flask, and how he got through the ceremony is anybody’s guess but Mr. Stewart said out loud what everyone thought – about the bridesmaids.

The bride had an assortment of best friends and sisters from which to choose. Each came with their own size restrictions and visible body art. Things were pierced that Mr. Stewart forgot existed and tattoos were visible in places normally covered up by … clothing.

It was a fashionable affair, an eclectic mix and, according to more aunties than you could count on the fingers on any assembled hands, a bloody shame for half of them. Which half depended upon which side of the family you came from. This was a party with allegiances not on sleeves but dedicated to open warfare. Mr. Stewart was firmly of the belief that this wedding was going to end up in a car park at some point. And it would not be to exchange gifts.

The problem was, he was responsible for many of the frayed nerves and simmering resentments.

Why?

He had openly said, that one of the bridesmaids was dressed better than the rest of them. The fact it was not his niece, nor his cousin, nor even the daughter of his best friend who he had been friends with since primary school, was a key to his honesty and the door through which most wanted to walk to batter him.

He had taken refuge in the garden after the meal. He was going to wait until the reception died down and then he was going to escape with nobody noticing. He had brought a present, turned up and “shown face”. He was now going to retire that face in case somebody might rearrange it.

Emerging from the hedges, he sees the course is clear and realises that he could make a dash for his car without being noticed. But he knows his mother would kill him if he did not say goodbye. So, he needs to make it into the reception and find her, then scarper.

He enters the building through the French Windows, which are wide open in January…

So far so good, he cannot see Mr. Goodwin anywhere.

His mum is talking to a gabble of aunties over in a corner of “the big room”. By entering it danger is increased as everybody is bound to be in there. There is a pot plant behind which he could hide and move it with him as he walks. Seriously contemplating that, he also realises that Uncle Ed is sitting on his own in the corner and being the biggest conspiracy theorist in the country might point to the plant and claim aliens had landed. So, big and bold and the walk towards mum is his only real option.

Just then Mr. Goodwin walks past towards the toilet. Mr. Goodwin does not see him, so the coast is clear, and he makes his dash.

Mum wants everyone to say hello to him, so the goodbye takes a little longer than hoped but he makes his exit cleanly. Now the foyer and the door out.

But danger lurks there. How?

Only the most bring cousin in the family is in the foyer and he talks for the country and about the country and with nobody in the country listening. He makes a decision and calls him on his phone. Cousin George answers. Mr. Stewart whispers into the phone making it hard for Cousin George to hear him. Cousin George notices a quiet alcove and moves into it. Making his escape whilst Cousin George is trying hard to hear the silence and talk at the same time, Mr. Stewart dashes outside.

His car.

Parked directly in front of the hotel and with nobody else in sight Mr. Stewart relaxes and makes his way to it. Just as he puts his key in the driver’s side, he realises someone is in it.

The door opens.

Mr. Goodwin gets out.

In his Irish drawl, he says, “just the man. A wee word, eh?”

The wedding did indeed end up in the car park – just a little earlier than most…

 

Whilst the author, asserts his right to this as an original piece of work there is no evidence that Anthony Stewart or Jim Goodwin have ever been to a wedding together, unless you know differently, so this is clearly a piece of fiction.

The fact is that during the month, Aberdeen captain, Anthony Stewart, called Alfredo Morelos a better striker than Antonio Colak. These were words which were described by his manager, Jim Goodwin as “regrettable…” In a BBC interview, Goodwin said Stewart “meant no disrespect” but added he should have chosen his words better. There was no mention of what happened when

Goodwin had his wee chat aside from the fact that they spoke… There is therefore no evidence whatsoever it ended up in any car park anywhere…


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