The Barton Therapy

Date: 27th May 2022

(photo from The Mirror)

The second weekly blog provided to you by our Donald.

The Barton Therapy

“You had one job!”

The voice was still ringing in his ears as Mr. Ramsay entered therapy.

In a non-descript part of town, along a very indistinctive street, in a building not many people would notice, were six chairs in a circle and the host for the evening, Mr. Barton. Constantly looking as though he should be noticed by everyone, all the time, Mr. Barton looked up and scowled at the approaching Mr. Ramsay.

Mr. Ramsay stopped in his tracks, thinking he was in the wrong place before Mr. Barton spoke softly. “Sorry,” he began. “I need new glasses. I can’t see a thing. Makes me look as if I am up for a fight to anyone farther way than three feet. Come away in.”

He ushers Mr. Ramsay to his seat.

“Welcome,” Mr. Barton continues. “To the Support House for the Iterant Travelling Ranger. It is the  support group for the people who have signed into live in Govan and not found it working out for themselves.”

Picture the scene…

Mr. Ramsay has just got off the plane from Spain. Sent there by his employer, he was a big name prior to the event. In fact, when he was hired, there were plenty who spoke warmly of this Welsh wizard who found himself working in Italy for an organisation people mutter about in some fear.

But it had not worked out.

In fact, he was given one job to complete. Go to Spain, do the needful and come back.

All he had to do was hit the target.

He didn’t.

What made it worse was that the client had hired five people to do the same thing. Four of them had succeeded. One of them had not.

That had been Mr. Ramsay.

Mr. Ramsay had left the place with his tail between his legs, his reputation in tatters and now had children in the street laughing at him. It was too much to contemplate. His career looked, pretty much, over.

Someone had then put him in touch with Mr. Barton who ran the support group, the Support House for the Iterant Travelling Ranger, or SHIT Ranger to give it, its informal title.

There were quite a few members who had drifted in and out over the years and now it was run by Mr. Barton who had been a big time Charlie himself before crashing down after a few weeks in Govan.

Even now he had mixed the triumph of some of his work with a few scrapes and bumps with the law, but he was probably the most recent big name example of a SHIT Ranger.

Mr. Ramsay took a seat directly opposite Mr. Barton which seemed to irritate Mr. Barton. This led to Mr. Ramsay getting up to move seats.

“Sorry,” explained Mr. Barton. “Glasses, makes me look like I always want to fight. You can sit where you want.” Mr. Ramsay was not so sure.

Mr. Ramsay went to sit right next to Mr. Barton, when Mr. Barton lost it.

“Not there, that’s not your seat!” he shouted directly in Mr. Ramsay’s face.

Mr. Ramsay immediately jumped up and moved to another seat.

“Not there, that’s not your seat either!” he shouted directly at Mr. Ramsay.

Mr. Ramsay dithered.  He cannot work out whether to go directly to the right or to the left. Should he aim high or down low? Maybe he should be forceful in his response or try to be soft and tap in his ideas.

At that point he begins to get flash backs of Spain.

The door behind him opens and a voice speaks. “Sorry Mr. Barton but there were only six seats in the cupboard when I arrived, and we don’t seem to have the twelve you asked for.”

At that Mr. Barton loses it.

“You had one job! One “£$%^& job!”

He advances towards the caretaker who is now standing with his hands above his head stretched out in a manner which seems to suggest I just don’t care…

The caretaker, a new arrival by the name of Mr. Broon, was clearly attempting to inflame the situation, according to Mr. Ramsay when the polis came to take his statement. There had been an altercation in one of the tunnel like corridors following the initial outburst, but Mr. Ramsay had by then got himself well out the way, well out the building and was heading well out the town.

As for Mr. Barton, his case is, apparently still pending.


Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an original tale, there is no evidence that Joey Barton or Aaron Ramsey have ever sought therapy, unless you know differently, so this is clearly a work of fiction.

The fact is that on loan midfielder Aaron Ramsey was the one Rangers’ player who missed a penalty in Seville which led to Eintracht Frankfurt winning the Europa Cup. He is not the first big name to have arrived at Ibrox with a big reputation and expectations. Joey Barton made the mistake of not only arriving with a reputation but also boasting about how much better he was. His time in the light blue was, at best, a tepid rather than a boiling success. Scott Brown was particularly able to show him how being a player for the big occasions was done. Since leaving Rangers, Joey Barton has found success as a manager though not without some incident. He was accused and acquitted of shoving a rival manager to the ground in a tunnel incident and is still to face a further charge of violent conduct. Please note that this was written prior to the Scottish Cup Final where the Welsh Wizard, after having all 10 of his colleagues sent off by the referee scored all  goals in a double hat trick as well as saving a similar number of penalties before picking up the cup in an iconic solo photograph that was plastered in an eight page spread in the Daily Ranger the following Monday. But then again that may just have been a dream…

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