The day when Doncaster was negative but Fitzpatrick was positive, they think

Date: 27th July 2020

The latest blog from SFSA writer Donald Stewart:

The rules have changed, and masks are expected. The new Security Guard at the local Paisley ALDI’s has been taken through his induction paces by the manager and is now on his third orientation shift. Today he is manning the door.

Today he will say who comes in and who does not…

Now getting on a bit, Mr Dalglish, famed for mebbe saying aye, but mibbe also saying naw has the door. He is standing with the manager about to start a long hard day.

Picture the scene…

The manager has spent most of the morning trying to work out where he has seen the guy before. Clearly mumbling for most of the induction, Mr Dalglish is a man of few words but when he speaks, there is a quiet dignity and authority. The uniform, that was left over from the last guy who walked off the job as he got a better offer at the local day care nursery for a security guard, is a decent enough fit but the manager makes a note that the blue seems to cause some form of itching on Mr Dalglish’s skin.

Maybe it’s a religious thing, he muses.

“Right Mr Dalglish, I am about to leave you to it.”

Mr Dalglish has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Aye.”

“If you can see the front of the queue there are a couple of worthies we know well. Mr Fitzpatrick at the front thinks he should be in the first six of any queue, so watch him. And warn him about the mask. It’s hanging off his face. He runs some local sports thing and he bores you to death about it all the time. Likes a wee selfie too.”

Mr Dalglish has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Aye.”

“The guy behind him, the portly fellow is Mr Doncaster. He has the mask on but seems to have missed covering up his mouth. I have to say covering up his mouth would be an advantage to us all. He seems to think he is Mr Fitzpatrick’s boss. I saw him last week in Clinton Cards buying a mug that said “The Commissionaire” along the side. No idea what that is about but he thinks he is clever. Also thinks he is the boss of everyone. Now I hear that Mr Fitzpatrick, at his club has had some kind of texting scare so be extra careful here. Right Mr Dalglish are we ready? Just remember to watch those two and take none of their snash.”

Mr Dalgleish has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Aye.”

The manager walks to the door and puts the key in which arouses the interest of both Mr Fitzpatrick and Mr Doncaster. They both have the biggest trolleys they can find and seem to have taken the stance that this, rather than a supermarket sweep, this is actually a Formula One race as they look as though they are making those revving noises with their mouths. The manager takes the key out and allows the automatic doors to open.

They are off.

Until they meet Mr Dalglish.

He takes centre stage, right in front of them and holds both his hands up at the same time. Mr Dalglish provides that languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Naw.”

Mr Fitzpatrick is the first to complain. “Erm… I have been in strict isolation along with the rest.”

Mr Dalglish points to the mask and has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Oan.”

Mr Fitzpatrick is outraged, “But I have not been in contact with any player or other staff member since Saturday.”

Mr Dalglish has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Naw?”

“The club continues to support and look after this staff member,” to emphasise his point, he points to himself, and continues, “to ensure a full recovery. We even cancelled a game.”

Mr Doncaster has remained silent for most of this, but Mr Dalgleish also turns to him, points to the mask and has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Oan.”

Mr Doncaster is not one to mince his words. In fact, he has been often accused of mincing them, cooking them and producing banquets that nobody could finish with them. He begins, “I would refer you to the joint response group informed by the Scottish Government and I have demanded that clubs like Mr Fitzpatrick’s revert to twice-weekly testing protocols until further notice.”

Mr Doncaster turns to Mr Fitzpatrick and for some inexplicable reason raises his voice – Mr Doncaster is a master of the inexplicable reason. “There can be no complacency, but we are heartened by the rigorous way that clubs, players and officials have responded to Covid-19 since March. With such regular testing being carried out by SPFL clubs, it is inevitable that several players or coaching staff will have tested positive. This has happened, as it has also happened in leagues around the world.”

Mr Dalglish ponders how Mr Doncaster has suggested that testing means you find people who are infected – maybe they should stop testing and they will have nobody ill… He thinks he has heard that somewhere before but realises it is far too stupid for even him to keep thinking about it. Mr Doncaster has not even managed to draw breath as he keeps going, “What is vital is that clubs manage those very few confirmed positive tests such that the virus does not spread. So far, the rigorous work that our clubs have carried out has ensured that this is the case.”

Mr Dalglish has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Aye?” He then points to both of their masks and has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and repeats, “Oan.”

Mr Fitzpatrick then stands up to both and shouts “I am positive that we have complied robustly to the letter and I am aff hame tae undertake an urgent review of the private testing arrangement which hasnae let you, let me in wi ma moustache out.”

Mr Fitzpatrick turns and leaves the way he came in.

Mr Doncaster looks at Mr Dalglish in a long and not languid manner. He realises, for the first time in a long time, when he is beat as Mr Dalglish has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Naw.”

Mr Doncaster turns and goes. Both shall not be taking advantage of the cut price strimmer in ALDI that is currently part of the summer bargain bucket in a central aisle, which is neither a bucket and certainly not a bargain, between the frozen prawns and the Czech salad cream.

Just then, the manager comes back and is full of admiration at the way that Mr Dalglish has handled the two trouble makers. “Well done Mr Dalgleish, now will you be all right for the rest of the shift?”

Mr Dalglish has a languid and long look up from his hooded eyes and says, “Mibbes aye, mibbes naw.”

 

Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that a Mr Dalglish has ever been a security guard at the ALDI in Paisley nor a Mr Fitzpatrick or a Mr Doncaster has ever attempted to effect entry there without a mask, as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actual happened, though many of the words were genuinely used by a Mr Doncaster and a Mr Fitzpatrick.

 

The fact is that during the week Tony Fitzpatrick, in an interview, spoke of how the false negative tests had happened at St Mirren and Neil Doncaster managed some words of comfort. He of course believed they were comfortable, we may demure…


Posted in: Latest News