The home guard keep their end up

Date: 8th March 2021

The latest blog from SFSA writer Donald Stewart:

“Don’t panic, don’t panic, Mr. Doncaster!”

The possible assault on the home turf by those pesky Euro’s is something to behold, is it not but Mr. Doncaster thinks they might not be coming…

Picture the scene…

Upon the gogglebox in the corner, Ms. Sturgeon, she of the stern face and big stick is squawking.

Mr. Doncaster is not so happy at Ms. Sturgeon and her tone. He was hoping for a few wee photo opportunities in the summertime when he could be the main man in the stadium, showing all the big wigs and dignitaries round it.

This was his finest hour, his Culloden, his, his, his, wan and oanly …

As the vinyl copy of Chesney Hawkes spins round once more, he turns to look out of his office at the hallowed turf of a foreign field that is actually, in his own head, HIS. Unaware that in the same room there is someone by the name of Mr. Maxwell who is actually the representative of the company who actually owns the ground in which the actual event is to be held and it would actually be HIM and not Mr. Doncaster, lording it, Mr. Maxwell is the one, sitting telling Mr. Doncaster that aw is well… Aw is aw right. In fact, there is hee haw tae worry aboot… But then he has more thoughts in his head to follow…

Mr. Doncaster knows though, that there is a pandemic.

Mr. Doncaster knows that there is little by way of positivity in the air with regards to how it is all being handled. Mr. Doncaster was hoping the whole Salmond in a sleepy cuddle thing would wash all the focus on to that Sturgeon and away from the beautiful opportunity before him…

Mr. Maxwell speaks up. “We’re doomed. If she gets her way and the lockdown is harsher than what it was before we are all doomed.”

Mr. Doncaster turns from his musing and looks Mr. Maxwell squarely in the eye.

“Pull yourself together. They won’t take this way from us. They can’t take this away from us. This is our opportunity. This is the first time in a million, trillion years you lot have actually got something worth talking about. To take it all away is clearly absurd. It’s like being on the verge of winning the thing you have dedicated your whole life for and then something you did a decade ago popping up to stop you getting it.”

Mr. Maxwell can see the irony but often wonders if Mr. Doncaster is in touch with his human side.

“Then what are we going to do? I do think my Uncle Arthur…”

Mr. Doncaster stops Mr. Maxwell in his tracks with a stare.

“We are absolutely intent on hosting this thing.”

Mr. Maxwell nods.

“Nobody wants us to lose it.” Mr. Doncaster continues.

Mr. Maxwell nods again.

“And I don’t think we should be in the position right now of thinking that’s the case.” Mr. Doncaster keeps going.

Once more, Mr. Maxwell nods.

“All countries are grappling with this, not just Scotland. We are standing here, and while we are really hopeful and you are getting signs of a lot of optimism from us today, looking too far ahead is just difficult to do. And we need to stop the foolishness.” Mr. Doncaster warms to his theme.

Mr. Maxwell nods but takes slightly longer to do so.

He thinks for a moment and then says, “But that sounds like you think we might not see it happening. That sounds like if we look too far ahead, you think we might not be in a position to get this and then where shall we be, but maybe you are right, we should not panic, send out the signal, don’t panic, don’t panic!”

Mr. Doncaster raises his hand once more and then with his pointy finger sends Mr. Maxwell out the room. Mr. Maxwell is just closing the door as he hears the parting shot of, “Stupid boy.”

Seconds after his exit, Mr. Doncaster once again turns to the hallowed turf to imagine just where the Bake Off tent should go…


Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an original tale, there is no evidence that a certain Mr. Doncaster or Mr. Maxwell have ever watched the Great British Bake Off, so this is therefore not true, though both will have been watching unfolding events over how the lockdown is going over the last week. .

It has been suggested that due to the restrictions being pout in place by the Scottish Government and the Government in Ireland that both Dublin and Hampden may miss out on hosting the Euro’s because we shall not let the fans in. in a global pandemic where people are dying, you would think that those responsible for keeping people safe could see the value in sport…

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