The Not So Chuckle Brothers pay a visit

Date: 11th August 2020

The latest from SFSA writer Donald Stewart:

The Not So Chuckle Brothers pay a visit

Hampden has been bought and it is time to move the furniture. A couple of likely folk are expected to turn up to move it…

Picture the scene…

Someone in a ridiculous moustaches is in the foyer, here to move the desks from one floor to another. Under the current COVID – 19 health and safety guidance adopted by all of the member clubs as part of the packages that saw monies being released for the integration of pies into the ovens at all grounds, there needs to be an outside body come to move things and not endanger the lives of anyone else in the building.

Of course, the idea of someone from the outside not bringing the virus into the building and infect everyone here is seen as daft as expecting Aberdeen players not to go for quiet pint, but there we are…

Ms Low, adjusts her moustache as she stands waiting to receive her partner for the morning. She got the message late last night that she was going to be here for the operation but was not told who her partner would be.

Just at that point the front door opens and in walks Mr Doncaster with his over-sized moustache. “Oh no,” she thinks…

She was hoping for either The Budge or the Big Levein. She checked the rota. Both of them were on this weekend. How come she is saddled with him!?

Two weeks ago they had ended up in talks with the boss because she claimed that she had been treated unfairly by Mr Doncaster. In a dispute over which jobs she should be getting she claimed she had been relegated to the piddling ones whilst he was cherry picking the best ones for himself and his cronies in Glasgow to avoid taking responsibility for the burden of COVID-19 and how it was affecting the business. It ended up in arbitration as he was backed by all the boys from the membership only bowling club.

She was appalled that they should be in the process but he claimed he had their backing because it was a democratic, members only club that had the perfect right to band together and support one of their members. When she pointed out he wasn’t a member of the club he had just smirked and remarked that she was just jealous nobody thought her ideas were good ones any more.

Mr Doncaster, however, is equally upset at the sight of Ms Low. He knew this might have been the plans. The bosses had talked of “putting it all behind them” and “moving on to the new year” because the “damage had already been done” and it was important to “draw a line” under whatever had been happening.

At least he thought, it was not The Budge or The Big Levein. He couldn’t stand them.

Ms Low decides to be civil. “All right?” she enquires.

Mr Doncaster is caught off guard. “Erm… yeah.”

Ms Low has the job sheet. “Just one big desk to move,” she says.

“Is it not a piano?” Mr Doncaster whips out another job sheet and shows it to her. He points to the bit at the top which has the words, description of item to move, under which there is the legend, ONE PIANO in bold.

Ms Low whips out her sheet again and looks and scrawled at the top is one word – DESK. She replies, “Let’s see what they have upstairs. “

They go up in the lift in silence and when the doors open in front of them a piano is right there blocking their exit.

Mr Doncaster smirks.

Ms Low objects, “Don’t we need to check?” Mr Doncaster points at his sheet, “It’s on the sheet. If it’s on the sheet, it’s right. That’s the rules.”

Ms Low, not for the first time thinks, “Jobs worth”

She goes to take an end. “This will need to go down the stairs, I think.”

They both pick it slowly up. Ms Low suggests, “Should we not use the wheels?”

Mr Doncaster scoffs, “I think you will find that if we lift together, work together and move forward it will all work much better.”

Once again, Ms Low, thinks, “Jobs worth”

Ms Low looks at him. “But…” she starts and then thinks better of it. They begin to move it. As Ms Low is fully occupied in the lifting Mr Doncaster takes his chance.

“Enjoy the result of the arbitration, did you?”

Ms Low has to readjust her position, “Before that could you push this to me?”

“To you?”

“To me!”

“There you go, to you!”

Ms Low then says, “We were disappointed at the outcome of the arbitration decision.”

They get to the corner of the corridor, Mr Doncaster is now the one to ask, “Could you push this to me?”

“To you?”

“To me!”

“There you go, to you!”

Ms Low continues, “I don’t understand why we have been asked not to share details of the hearings on confidentiality grounds.”

They are now at the second corner as she continues “Could you push this to me?”

“To you?”

“To me!”

“There you go, to you!”

Mr Doncaster, responds “What you did? It was a mistake.”

Ms Low flares up and says, “We don’t regret going down the route we did. You have put the entire burden of the COVID-19 pandemic on us.”

The final corner is reached as Ms Low asks again, “Could you push this to me?”

“To you?”

“To me!”

“There you go, to you!”

Mr Doncaster tries to keep his temper, “I was vindicated.It was a clear, comprehensive and unanimous decision. I, for one am absolutely delighted. This all followed an intense period of legal scrutiny and review. It has been very demanding, but I had complete confidence in the actions and decisions.”

Ms Low also tries to keep her temper as they reach the stairs. A tricky manoeuvre is need as she asks, “Could you push this to me?”

“To you?”

“To me!”

“There you go, to you!”

And with one almighty push from Mr Doncaster, Ms Low loses her footing, the piano tips over the banister and goes crashing to the floor below. Splintered and a right royal wreck, Ms Low shakes her head, turns and is far from surprised to see that Mr Doncaster is nowhere to be seen. This is not the first mess he has made that he shall not be around to try and fix, she thinks

 

 

Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that a Mr Doncaster nor a Ms Low have ever worked together to move a piano, as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actual happened, though all of the words attributed to Mr Doncaster came out his mouth.

 

The fact is that during the week Neil Doncaster, Jacqui Low and Ann Budge have reflected upon the arbitration process. One blames the other and to keep things equal in love and war, the other blames the other right back giving the media a true to me, to you war for their headlines.

 


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