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Date: 25th July 2026
DO NOT PANIC MR. O’NEILL!!!
By Donald C Stewart
A sketchy and humorous look at the outpourings of the great, the good and the not so good of Scottish fitba’ by Donald C Stewart. Readers are warned that if they take this seriously then therapy is available – just let us know where you find it so we can pass it on to others…
As the sun comes down on the World Cup and we pack away our memories of Boston, drinking places dry and unusual headgear, we return back to domestic duty.
For most of us, that means a small five-sided mini-league tournament where we play each other only once.
Oh, the heady days, how that could potentially, possibly at any point, be an SPFL template…
But it is to the “normal” leagues that we turn our attention, and particularly Mr Paul Lambert. Recently on Sportsound, interviewed over the future Premier League championship chasing game, which this year has been widened to include a third maroon-coloured possibility… though, having been over to Austria for what some have called a reality check, Hearts of Midlothian return potentially in a better position than they left. Why? Because according to Paul Lambert, Celtic are “nowhere near good enough.”
He was keen, however, to guard against panic. Like a long-forgotten member of Dad’s Army, Mr Lambert perhaps had an eye in the recruitment processes … perhaps to even become the next manager of Scotland.
Having told the interviewer that he would not apply for the Scotland job, he said there are such things as phones and he’s always got one.
Does this mean that Paul Lambert is suddenly the telemarketer’s favourite? Shall Paul Lambert be telling us in future episodes of Sportsound of how his long-lost uncle who died in Nigeria did transfer his multi-millions to him, or that the car accident that he didn’t have last year in January with a car that he never owned saw him receiving an out-of-court settlement and an insurance pay-off for personal injuries that he did not have? Or will he receive the 120,000 bitcoins that are apparently in a bitcoin account somewhere that are awaiting his signature?
One wonders just exactly how many people Mr Lambert would not answer the phone to. Who’s to know? Because if the SFA don’t phone from a recognisable number, then perhaps we will fail to get Mr Lambert as our chosen one. In the meantime, of course, if he were to run his eye over the rest of the runners and riders in the Premier League, how many would he suggest are nowhere near good enough and how many would have to panic?
Will St Johnstone manage to hold on to Premier League status after a year in the Championship? Or should they panic if the first few games don’t go their way?
Should Motherwell panic if the change of managers has led to less success than last year?
Should Kilmarnock panic when the same management team that finished last season, keeping them just and no more in the Premier League, not hit the ground running in the league as they have in the cup?
Should Hibernian panic after their disaster in Kosovo has left them hanging on to Europe by a thread?
Should Falkirk panic if the lure of the Scotland job proves too much for John McGlynn?
Should Dundee United panic? That’s it. Should they panic?
Will Aberdeen find in Mr Robinson they have found the man who will lead them back into contention for titles and cups? Or are they simply not good enough?
Will St. Mirren manage a revival under a manager schooled in their ranks?
Are Dundee getting Steven Pressley – does anyone really?
There is little point in wondering what Mr Lambert thought of Rangers, but already there are rumblings within the Ibrox faithful that they may be good enough, and given the turmoil at Celtic, which looks as though they’ve got a Nancy fella in charge of recruitment, perhaps Celtic are not nearly good enough, which will turn into panic there will be regime change in the dugout, in the stands, or in the boardroom.
That is the one question nobody asked Paul Lambert. Maybe he didn’t want to say in case his phone rang…
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Tags: Celtic, martin o'neill